Having to report for jury duty Monday afternoon, I attended cardio rehab in the AM. Nausea hit me hard and unexpectedly toward the end of an education session causing me to charge from the classroom in search of a restroom. It hit me again in the parking lot as I was trying to leave. It doesn't seem fair for my body to react this way without enjoying some hardy partying the night before. Not feeling well enough to drive very far, I called my husband to meet me at one of the highway exits. Darryl drove me to the courthouse in the next county. I was sure I'd be immediately excused from jury duty when they saw that I was carrying a barf pan, but as it turned out I had no need to bring on the drama. A big sign was posted on the courthouse door advising all jurors that the case had been settled out of court and there was no need for jurors this week. Had I felt better I would have joined in with the other jurors and done a happy dance right there on the courthouse steps.
I was relieved to find that the pain I was feeling each time I took a breath was due to a strained muscle along my ribs and not fluid buildup. Apparently when I injured my shoulder during the workout on Friday, I also damaged this area. Both are feeling so much better today. Once again I can take deep breaths without any pain.
Depression was overwhelming yesterday, so much so that I was planning my demise. I cried all day from the time I awoke and into the night crying myself to sleep. I wore sunglasses when we went to vote since I didn't want anyone to notice my crying for no reason. Of course, after the election results came in, I had plenty of reason to cry. I'm so glad that Darryl is so understanding and supportive otherwise I don't know if I could make it through days like yesterday.
This morning the depression was nonexistent. Pretty amazing since this is my first day without an antidepressant. I awoke feeling relaxed and happy. Ok, so I didn't look so good with my eyes practically swollen shut from all that crying yesterday. Speaking of eyes, I still have a partially red one. The blood vessel that broke in my eye almost four weeks ago seems that it doesn't want to clear up. The seat belt hit me in the same eye a few days later, but all that bruising, swelling, and deep redness on the other side of the eye has totally cleared.
The cardio rehab people, who focus on the whole person and not just the heart, recently referred me to an organization that does grief counseling as part of their hospice program. They thought it would benefit me since the grieving process for our 24 yr old son (had he lived he would be 26 now) was interrupted about 3 months after his death when our house burned with our beloved 10-yr old cat inside. I wasn't home during the fire, ironically I was at my son's grave site. With the fire being extensive, the insurance company "totaled" our home. Dealing with all our material loss and that which was salvaged consumed the remainder of the year. Three weeks after the fire I was hospitalized for heart problems. They said I'd had a heart attack. All of this interfered with going through the grieving process for our son. I still carry so much sadness, and maybe I always will, but hopefully with the counseling, education, and being part of a support group that this organization provides will help me through this. I met with them for the first time today. There will be six more sessions. Others there were recent widows, along with a widower, and someone who lost her fiance. She shared a beautiful love story of their romance during college, and how they ended up going separate ways only to be reunited a couple of years ago during their silver years. Others shared stories of decades of married love with many nursing their spouses through an array of illnesses, all eventually becoming fatal. Emotions ranged from sorrow, to anger, to loneliness, to depression, and lack of motivation to participate in life. It seems those who were not with their spouses during the moment of death held an even deeper and more sorrowful pain. I feel fortunate that our son was still alive, although barely, when we arrived at the hospital. We were told it would be only a matter of minutes. During those precious final moments I was able to hold and stroke his arm and feel his warmth for the last time before they pronounced him dead. I hold much comfort in that.
Meds: Coumadin, Multaq, Vayacog, L-Carnitine, Vitamin D,
I-Caps, Flax seed oil
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